Dear Mayor Bloomberg,

We, the citizens of New York City and the Tri-State area, appreciate your due-diligence in guiding us through lifestyle changes that will greatly improve the quality of life of many individuals, families, and the city as a whole.

Without you, we would all be more overweight and unhealthier than we already are. Your banning and restriction of many items (guns, smoking, large capacity sodas, trans fat, salt, Segways, term limits, etc.) have greatly improved the health and social condition of many.

We, the citizens of New York City and the Tri-State area, propose the restriction/ban of the following items and activities. We believe it is for the greater good and have included explanations on each item.
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  • Durian Fruit – This particular fruit is still being sold on the streets of Chinatown. It emits an odor that is overpowering and revolting and has been compared to rotting vegetation and raw sewage. It is unfair to subject innocent passersby to this stench.
  • Bacon – It is clear to us that there is a bacon obsession in this country. It has recently become so popular that now you can find countless memes on the internet regarding bacon. However, the suggested serving size for bacon is 2 slices. People are eating MUCH more than the recommended serving. Please consider limiting the number of slices that people can buy (2 slices per package) or better yet, banning altogether. Bacon is loaded with fat and salt and is a very unhealthy food, leading to high blood pressure and obesity, among other problems.
  • Ear Buds – This common item is used instead of headphones when using an MP3 player. Because the speakers are placed directly into the ear canal, this is very dangerous for your hearing. Please taking into consideration that once hearing damage has occurred, it is irreparable. Ban them.
  • Cabs –There are well over 10,000 yellow cabs and over 40,000 other TLC vehicles on NYC streets. The drivers are aggressive, have road rage and poor hygiene. They are a major contributor to pollution and gas consumption. And furthermore there is no need for cabs since there is a subway system, bus system & PATH, LIRR & Metro-North trains, among others.
  • Boxing Glove Sterilization – We believe that all boxing gloves should be sterilized in an appropriate matter before and after every sparring session or match, be it for amateur boxing or professional. Boxing gloves often come in contact with the mouth and/or bodily fluids and germs can easily be passed this way. Boxers should not have to worry about germs they might get from their opponents glove.
  • Martial Arts – Please consider a ban on all martial arts. Martial arts is an activity that is used to harm others. Criminals are also allowed to take martial arts classes with no background check, and are then able to cause more harm. This ban would render the above mentioned ban null and void.
  • High Heels over 2 inches – This is a serious tripping hazard in which injuries to self and others can occur. It is also extremely bad for the arch of the foot, posture, and spinal health.
  • Pornography – Pornography is harmful to the family unit and creates obsession and complacency, leading to excessive masturbation and obesity. The “adult” stores should be shut down and websites containing pornography should be censored. Strip clubs would also fall into this category.
  • Tips – Tipping servers, cab drivers (see above), hairdressers, hotel staff, etc. should not be allowed. This is a form of bribery and should be taken seriously. This also applies to any and all monetary bonuses that corporate employees receive.
  • Dog Leashes – We propose a ban on dog leashes of any length. Dog leashes give the owner less control by allowing several feet of free movement of the dog. Dogs can easily approach nearby people (which can be a danger for the people) or wrap themselves around trees or poles (which can be a danger for the dog and owner). Instead, dogs should wear a heavy collar with a handle attached directly. In the case of a very small dog, the handle can be extended a maximum of 3 feet on a rigid pole.
  • Alcohol – What substance destroys more lives than guns, salt, soda, martial arts, meth, and obesity combined? Alcohol. If anything in this world should be banned based on its record, it should be alcohol. Enough said.
  • Chairs at desk jobs – Recent studies have shown that employees are far more productive, healthier, and thinner if they stand at work stations rather than sitting at a desk or cubicle. In the challenging quest to improve quality of life, this is another good place to start.
  • Umbrellas – These can be particularly dangerous to anyone passing a pedestrian carrying an open umbrella. The rib assembly of an umbrella held at head height can easily poke an eyeball, causing abrasions, infections, blindness or even total eye loss. Ponchos are a very reasonable and inexpensive alternative and pose no risk to others, while providing better coverage than an umbrella.
  • Thermostat control – No resident of New York City shall maintain his/her thermostat higher than 65 degrees F in winter months and no cooler than 80 degrees F in summer months. Heating and air conditioning should be banned altogether in the fall and spring months. This will eliminate risk of power failure year round do to excessive usage and will reduce pollution.
  • Popcorn – This can wreak havoc on the gums as seed membranes dislodge from the popcorn and wedge themselves deep down into the gum line causing pain, inflammation, and infection. Additionally, the movie theater popcorn is loaded with salt and fat and some potentially hazardous chemicals, contributing to obesity, high blood pressure and potentially cancer.
  • Tampons and sanitary napkins – Every female who is post-puberty and pre-menopause uses between 200-300 tampons and sanitary napkins every year. There are approximately 2,264,448 menstruating women living in New York. We are talking about as many as 679,334,496 bloodied tampons and sanitary napkins being flushed down toilets and filling up landfills every year. Just in the 5 boroughs! In addition to the waste, since these items are generally covered in blood, there is a potential bio-hazard problem here, since these items are almost never placed in a bio-safe receptacle, and always in the regular trash. Women should be forced to purchase a silicone menstrual cup, which is reusable and collects the blood, which is then rinsed down the sink and the cup is reused.
  • Whole pizza pies – Nowadays when you order a whole pizza pie, you cannot order a 2 liter soda to go with it, since there is a potential that one person might consume the entire bottle of soda alone and maintain his/her obesity. This is a good start, but one detail that we believe has been overlooked is that the one individual might also eat an entire pizza pie alone. This would pose an extreme health risk. So we propose that pizza deliveries be capped at a 2 slice maximum, in case there is only one individual having pizza. If there is more than one person, then they will have to order multiple 2 slice deliveries.

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We, the undersigned, propose the above listed bans and restrictions. We appreciate your time and consideration on these important matters and are hoping for a timely and full resolution.

Sincerely,
The Undersigned

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